diary, thoughts, my life in words.



I find myself in places like this, this being a military surplus store. Having found it quite hard not to cry. I am lost here, having once felt at-home. Those who had taken an oath to protect. They have made it impossible with the help of an incredibly abusive man, to destroy my good standing with society and its laws. 

I am now a criminal, and my dreams of the military are long over.

If you happen across my criminal record..... warning it contains colorful language

january 2018

my name is Carey Oakes, 

This is my official account of events leading up to and including the night of the altercation.

short summary:

Marianne Thibodaux has been harassing me and threatening my life for well over a year now. The reasoning being according to her, Mike Thibodaux (her husband) and I were having an affair. This is  100% inaccurate and her delusions have also involved her thinking I was in places/near her when I was actually elsewhere in the city. prior to the incident she had snuck into the shelter with a hammer (which is what she consistently threatened me with) and hid there for 3 days hoping to find me and ‘’hammer me in my sleep’’. I luckily found her in the bathroom at the shelter and we were in a loud verbal conflict. This alerted the staff who then got her to leave.

the night in question:

I had come home later in the evening, walked into the shelter lobby and seen her. quickly i went inside to avoid any conflict that would cause me to be injured. (being that she frequently comes there to get her narcotics and attempts to intimidate me.) When I was in the shelter getting changed and putting my things in my locker I became more agitated because I now felt trapped and scared to go outside. i wanted to have a smoke because i smoke tobacco but again faced the fact she was still in the lobby. I asked the staff to get her to leave  the property but they insisted she had not done anything this evening to warrant her dismissal. I begged and pleaded a little more and upon no help to the situation I simply asked for two garbage bags and a pair of gloves. I would like to point out that only 10 minutes had gone by since  arriving home to the shelter at this point.  

The staff asked me why I was putting on a bag and gloves, to which I said ‘’ if no one will help me then i will make her leave me alone’’ i exited the doors into the lobby. standing above and behind her i gave her warning by saying ‘’ Marianne’’ she shluft me off continuing to fix up her narcotics. again i said’’ Marianne’’ she shluft me off again. so I proceeded to swing my skateboard down on the back of her head. The lobby was packed with people that night hiding from the cold. I was sure not to connect with anyone around her. 

as i swung again someone from behind me took my skateboard and she sprung up wielding a hammer (showing intent on harming me) and swung it at me connecting with the nail pull end first at my wrist. another person in the lobby then jumped to my rescue as i fled inside i heard her yelling ‘’ call the cops’’ 

I ran to a bathroom stall with my D.O.C and used the toilet while getting a 5 point shot of meth ready (knowing I would be going to the station soon) had a smoke there against regulations and waited until my friend showed up to tell me the police were there. I then cleaned up my mess and went to the doors that separated the shelter common room and the lobby. I placed my hands on the doors and spread my feet apart and awaited the officers to come arrest me. 

as they walked me to the car she yelled out’’ you shouldn't have done that you stupid….’’ as I cut her off by yelling ‘’ rat fucking bitch. rat bitch . rat bitch . fucka you rat bitch.’’ as she continued to try and yell  over me. I quickly stopped as my head entered the police vehicle as to not be yelling in such a small space.

These are my accounts. I have written these myself and had them printed off.

relationship problems with "JPS"

january 2023

9:41 a.m.


My name is Carey.I live in Victoria B.C life wasn't always easy.

Today, I'm finding it harder but I've made promises to stay here. Keep going and not give up. 

But it's hard. 

Today, the first day of 2023, As I look around my room in this SRO for homeless people, I realize. 

I'm a mess. 

So what do I do? Do I clean up and pack Everything into boxes, get ready for the move into the next transitional housing, or do I throw it all out the window Watch it Smash across the parking lot. Slam against the concrete. Ultimate chaos. I am in a hotel room. If I played some loud rock music, would it make sense? I'm no rockstar. 

my neighbour would probably call the staff on me.

I was taught how to be a kind human being and how to not be a rat. 

By some junkies who taught me how to be a good person. I thank them for that. 


Experienced Lots of life, a lot of chaos, cold nights, and destruction. Recovery, death, silence violence, beauty. 

And inebriation all before 18. 

14. I tried saving trees . 15. I tried alcohol. 16. I tried to get clean.   I lived above a strip club in a hotel at 18. I finally got clean. At 19. 

Well,I was still sober. 20, I became a roadie.  21. I was the “ go to”  person for a couple of events, 22. I spent all my time with Benny and Haley and Shaylene, and Blake and the lust boys. And the metal heads like Adam and John and Jim Bob? 

23. I got a boat  and Dave.  24. I lost the boat. I then left Dave. Then I found a bart.


26 moved into Johnson Or did they kick me out? I might have been kicked out by then. 

I think I'm wrong..... 22 Dave 23, lost boat 24. 

found Bart. 25. Moved into Johnson. Then kicked out, 27, spent at the super 8 shelter. 

28 also it's super 8 29 RJ legacy and Howard Johnson  30 alone. 31. 

Jamie Smith. he made me wish I had been alone. 

As I'm nearing 32, I have to look back on my life. This last year has been taxing. 

 Jamie thinks I'm trying to kill him. I'm not now  nor have I ever tried to kill him . It's stressful  someone I love thinks I'm such a fucking dirtbag. I'm Not that bad. I hope not. Anyways, I fear that his psychosis will destroy him. For the last year and a bit. I've been in a relationship with a man who just thought I was trying to kill him. 

That hurt. It also hurts How much he accuses me of things. I didn't do any of it. I often wonder if he accused me of all these things.because he does them or He hates me because he was using me or because he's stupid? 

Something tells me probably all three. 

I don't understand. I can't find closure. I can't feel better. 

I just can't find anything to make me feel. To make me feel anything other than sad and angry. Why waste my time? Why waste my life? Why get that close? Just to destroy me. He thinks I'm trying to kill him. The truth is he already killed me. 

I wish I didn't love. I wish I wasn't capable of it. I wish I was a sociopath. I wish I was a narcissist. I wish I was dead. I wish I was anything. Absolutely anything else . Because I am incapable of feeling this lost, and depressed without it spiralling me into misery. 

I wish there was a way to stop it, but I've made promises to others and if I did it would destroy them. So I hope they appreciate it at some point because being here is hard. 

But the idea of being gone and what it will do to them. I don't think I could live with myself, even if it was for a minute before I died. I don't think I could live with that thought. 

Inside. I am broken. 

And those pieces belong to Jamie Smith. 

That piece of shit. 

Throughout our relationship. Maybe a couple of times. 

He shamed me for things I wasn't doing at the time. 

I remember I took off my pants and crawled into bed. Just as he was coming into the room from not being there, I was worn out needing sleep.  I was adjusting my underwear because it was riding up my butt and he comes in at that exact moment. he gets angry, accuses me of playing with myself, and then goes on to tell me how I have him and I shouldn't do that its bad and made him upset and self-conscious and then he calls me a sex addict, sex addict?. he refuses to listen when I say I was just adjusting. It makes me feel like if I was doing that, I  would be a piece of shit. 

Another occasion for shaming happened. I was in the shower. Cleaning myself, just that.  He wonders Why our sex life started to dive off? It wasn't because I was seeing someone else it was because I felt self-conscious about anyone  seeing me Or touching me or coming near me. 

Awesome also. Probably because of that time He tried to tell the police. I rape him. I have to thank the staff lady Jessica if it wasn't for her. They probably would have arrested me but she assured them that he was out of his mind and that he most definitely enjoys whatever I do to him. Thank you, Jessica. 

I've had a hard time getting out of my room. Some days I get stuck in here and I can't go anywhere or do anything. He lives in the same building. Don't want to see him. Don't want to cry in front of him. I just don't want to. I just don't want to. 

So broken. 

And he's still insisting. I'm trying to kill him. He still insists that I am a cheating whore. he tells people I am cruel to him. Yeah, towards the end. I would yell, I would spit in his face. i called him a fucking retard and  idiot and a piece of shit and a goof and a liar, and a fucking drug addict and a fucking dope head and a fucking fall down and a fucking piece of shit. No good fucking asshole. I think you earned that. 


He made me feel. So lost. 

He made me feel like no matter what. No one would listen. No one would notice  all he wanted to do.was Just torture me and listen to liars, but I found out the real liar, was him the whole time no one was telling him anything,  . No one told him. Shit. He made it all up and he's the one who went around telling everybody else these lies. I slept next to him, I stayed up when he was sick. I boiled rags. . Help with his arm infection. stayed up for weeks trying to get them off, benzos. Wake up to this.  sound of him gurgling and I would tilt him over. So he pukes on the floor, instead of choking on it, cleaning up the mess, and then going back to sleep and I do this over and over and over. And he wants to tell me that I tried to kill him, that I want him dead. If I wanted him dead, I would have let him choke on the fucking puke. 

At the beginning of our relationship. He was a man. A paranoid man, he had two cameras, one facing the door and one facing the back of the room. There were very few blind spots. He never gave me access to these cameras so I could never see the footage. I could never be there but he gave his mother administrative access to them 24 hours a day and he also let a friend of his.who lived in Montreal access them as well? He gave me access a few times, but within 24 hours would kick me off because he didn't trust me anymore for making hand signals.  I just talk with my hands. I moved. I'm a human. I do things. I don't know how to explain these things, but I have ticks, but I'm not making hand signals so that someone will shoot him through the walls. That's what he was thinking, but what gets me about it is I wasn't allowed access to these cameras. They were pointed in our room. They're pointed in a place Where we get naked together,  God! Help us. a place where we argue. We eat, we sleep, everything and I had no access. Then after he got rid of them because he sold them for dope. He complained about people poking holes in the wall or putting cameras on him and hiding them there. And he said he didn't want to have sex with me because the people were watching. That's fucking stupid. Well, I had sex with him when his mother and one of his friends were watching. So I think it's a little unfair because there are no cameras now, there were no cameras after he got rid of those. So, I guess, I hope his friend in Montreal enjoyed the view. I still have yet to meet the man or know who he is. 

While I went to school in Vancouver, I could not find housing. He said he would come with me and go see his buddy in North Van and see if he would give us a spare room, but he never did. Instead, he just tried to guilt me or make me late. And then I'd leave. I'd get off the ferry on the other side without power. I don't have any places to go. So I go and sleep in a doorway on Burrard Street,  I'm just there because I couldn't afford a hotel or stay somewhere. So, as soon as I got off the ferry,if I did have any phone battery. He would immediately start with who are you seeing? Who are you sleeping with? What are you doing? Where are you going? Oh, I hear people behind you in the background. And there was no one I was alone  I was always alone but I was walking down busy streets. I was in the subway, I was getting from the ferry downtown to my doorway so that I could go to sleep. So, I could go to school in the morning. 

That made me angry because he would complain, and he would say, oh well you don't know what it's like I'm here and everyone is trying to kill me. Well, the truth was yes, he was there. No one was trying to kill him, but even if they were, he was behind a locked door. Now I was on the streets of Vancouver, a young girl. Well, not young anymore. I guess I'm old now, over 30. 

I'm a girl. And I was surrounded by things, like people threatening to burn homeless people. they burnt one woman who was in a wheelchair under a blanket In a doorway, they burned her to death.  They doused her in gas and lit a match. There was a homeless person, who asked some guy for change one day and The guy was putting up Posters on Poll And he said no so the homeless person took a knife and stabbed that man up. That man was an international student. He was a student from another country. Just working a fucking shit job, just to fucking pay as the way through school. So students were getting stabbed and homeless people were getting burned alive. I was a little scared. Sometimes so late at night sleeping in that doorway, while he was there with his locked fucking door. But do you think he would come to Vancouver to see me? No, just complain and bitch. He has no dope and that everyone's trying to kill him when they're not and that I'm fucking  people that I'm not. 

I can't say I don't miss him but he was a fucking a hole and I wasted so much fucking time on a fucking a hole that I still love that I still worry about. I thought maybe it might be his kidneys causing him. All this fucked up shit. Causing psychological fucking bullshit.  I found out It's probably more likely Leslie, the misinformation highway of ultimate fucking destruction in chaos. How I wish someone would cut her tongue out. But I shouldn't talk like that. She's human, a lying sack of shit but. Humans are still human. I don't wish harm on anybody. I don't wish negative things on anybody, no matter what they've done. I hope they live long and happy lives. 

Let their karma deal with them.  I'm not willing to play God. 

 I'm barely shit. So, how would I be able to play God? 

Thank you for listening to my rant. 

Thank you for reading. 

Never meant for anyone to read it, but it was still nice. Still nice to have it out there so I could stop rattling around with all this. In my head, I need to find a way to feel better. Get back parts, I have lost at this point. 

Thank you for listening to my useless jabber.

Thank you. Thank you. 

I'm sad. The heartache feels pathetic. But I'm gonna go. Now, you have a great day, whoever you are. 

Sometimes I think people are fucking with my head. 

And sometimes I think they're conspiring to get other people to poke at me. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm  a loon. And I wonder if everyone is just putting up with me, 

Sometimes I think people think that I'm   a completely gullible idiot. 

They all laugh at me while saying it's so easy. To make me squirm and to break me. 


Here's a poem. I am here and you were there. Sometimes it seems love can be so unfair. for your heart beats for another. The thought of you beats mine like thunder.  I just want to see you feel your heartbeat too, mine is faint at death's door. Your heartbeat was so strong.  could it beat for me? if not nevermore.

Defining my understanding digitizes my infinity. 

 What do we have? I was never told that emptiness weighed the most 

Yeah, I'll do it today. I feel like going out to the crystal pool.  go and hit a heavy bag, I don't focus on myself anymore. 

He doesn't either. 

I'm gonna finally finish painting that picture. 

Even if it is one last "Here you go asshole. I do care. "

All right, that's enough. 

If they only knew .....

january 2020

if they only knew…..

I am…

Now that we got that out of the way, my name is Carey and I have struggled with addiction and homelessness for almost 20 years.

The reasons I will get into later, my focus is on my future. I was temporarily housed at the beginning of covid in a hotel leased by b.c housing for people stuck outside during the pandemic. It took me threatening my own life just to get them to agree to give me a room. Since being here I have managed to acquire an acting career over 30 linkedin learning certificates and most recently I have made it into college. (something i thought would never be possible)

However, I am still faced with financial hardship and the stigma of my address.

I am faced with high costs of living and a disability income that does not cover basic needs let alone market rent.

Here is a breakdown of what my  expenses are currently.

leaving me with -140$ which i offset by paying off as little as i can on debt, eating less, and foregoing some toiletries.

so needless  to say i have to play the “maybe next month” game.